mmmm so a few days ago I watched this series of sermons on taking responsibilities for our lives. Just so many common sense things that I've never thought about. Like how if I'm irresponsible, someone else has to take on that responsibility eventually. Like how we reap what we sow, and often in a greater amount. How we need to take responsibility in the circumstances we are put in...

Watching the entire series, I kept thinking about my grades last year. With my fail gpa, I'm below the usual standards I set for myself...even though I did decently in the classes separately by my standards. It's just really sad to think about how low it can drop with a few B's. But I realized, I can't just blame it on not learning to study well (since high school was a cake walk) or because I was in a completely new environment (different state, different academic levels). It was my own fault for not doing well. I should've studied more, studied correctly...thought about the consequences of certain actions. If I had a more normal study pattern, my grades would've been much better because I know I started off the semester very well...and things just dropped by the time it got to finals. And now I know that...it's not my own ability that has gotten me as far as I did...it's the ability given to me by God.

I know part of the mediocre gpa was getting involved with AO and hanging out too much, but I can't blame it on that. I should've been able to work around that to get better grades...I should've been able to say no. If I can't handle one more activity on top of classes, how will I be prepared for any higher level schooling. So I will do what it takes next year to get back to a decent gpa...if it means I have less time for other people, than so be it.

Community is such an important thing, so I will definitely make time for that...but there are also some things I need to do to take responsibility. Watching the sermons, I realized I can't just pray and work half-heartedly to get the grades I want...and that grades aren't the most important things...but I need to put in the full effort. If things don't work out, then it wasn't God's plan...but I still need to put in my full effort before figuring out it isn't right. And that any strength I need to do that, I can pray for...any guidance, I can pray about...but I have to take action. I have been given the opportunity to attend such a great college, so it is my responsibility to take advantage of the educational opportunities that come my way. I definitely got a pretty decent schedule...although it doesn't look that great...I have some great teachers, so I better learn from them. I also need to work harder so I can become involved in research or internships for the summer...right now I'm not such a great candidate for that.

Although I think I still have a lot to learn a lot about Christian living, I will try my best to make studying a part of it...instead of fitting the lifestyle into my studying. If anything, I know I will be sleeping earlier and waking up earlier. Get started on a healthy lifestyle too. Getting my studying done during the day will also help a lot...because I know I'm never that productive later in the day. I think...I just need to rethink what I've done...and see how the first month goes before sticking with things. I'd really love to do some volunteering if my schedule has room for it...it's definitely been awhile and it's really...eye-opening to see the less fortunate and realize how grateful I should be for what I do have...and how I should be doing whatever I can with what I have.

Which also brings me to the topic of dating in the fall...that makes me sigh greatly. I honestly have no idea how I'm going to work that out. I told C if he asked me out in the next 3 or 4 months, I would definitely say no. I just...really need time to figure out things for myself before becoming too involved in anything that I'm not ready for...this would be all new to me...so I'm not sure what it entails. I know that last year, we probably spent too much time together...and not enough with more people. So I want to make sure that a lot of that time is spent with the community. It greatly decreases the chances of going where we shouldn't physically...and it kills two birds with one stone. I would definitely make some room for quality time with him though haha...there seems to be no point in dating if there isn't some time alone :P It will be good though...reading together and discussing kkkkk

Anyway, I will keep praying for strength and guidance from God. I will continue reading the Bible because most of the guidance and words of strength I need will be in there. I will also continue to watch sermons because it is an opportunity to see what church has to offer when I can't attend one right now...and they often open my eyes to things I haven't thought of.

And a final thought, we are put into certain situations by God...and later in life we have to account for what we have done. I may be more fortunate than others...but if I don't do anything with that...then how can I call myself a Christian. Although right now, there is little I can do (or that I feel I can do)...I will have to find ways that I can help. If I can't do that now, I will pray that I find that way later in life. Maybe for now...all I have to do is be a good student...but I know later in life, I will have to do something with that.